The Comforting of the Disciple

Now the Beloved often came into the Garden both because of the great joy He had in the Garden and because of the great love He bore the Lover and the Disciple.  Often He talked with the Lover, but the Disciple because he was not yet perfected in Love could neither hear nor see the Beloved, though he often felt a strange joy, he did not know why.  Therefore he was sorrowful, for it seemed to him that on account of his sins he would never find the Beloved.  So weeping he came to the Lover and said, “Sir, I know that I am a very sinful man and I much fear that though I search all my life yet on account of my sins I shall never find the Beloved.”

In reply the Lover smiled gently and said, “My son, when you first came into the Garden do you remember what sort of day it was?”

“Yes,” said the Disciple, “I remember it.  It was dark and gloomy as if no sunlight ever entered the Garden.”

“When you began to strip off your rich robes,” the Lover asked, “what happened to the day?”

“It seemed,” said the Disciple, “as if the sun had suddenly broken through the clouds and the whole Garden shone with glorious and celestial light:  such light as shines daily in the Garden.”

The Lover replied, “Know that the Beloved Himself is the light of the Garden, so that when you began searching for the Beloved even then you found Him, for how can any know the desire to search for the Beloved if He had not already without his knowing revealed Himself to him.”

So the Disciple was greatly comforted by knowing that although he could not see or hear Him he had already found the Beloved, and he labored the more joyously to do the service of the Beloved.

Dear ADD Irregulars,

Alan has decided to step away from our community for a while. He may return, but right now he’s in a difficult chapter of life. This past year has been especially rough for him—depression, anxiety, unemployment, and some challenging family situations.

I spoke with him briefly on Telegram. He admitted to feeling worn down, and the recent football meme hit him at exactly the wrong moment and in the wrong state of mind. He didn’t sound like he was blaming Rich, but in his current vulnerability, he experienced the exchange as unnecessarily mean-spirited. I suspect the “whiny-cunt” line cut much deeper than it normally would have.

That’s the funny and frightening thing about emotions: on a good day, that back-and-forth between Alan and Rich would have been hilarious. On a bad day, it was simply too much. No one could have known beforehand.

In Alan’s own words: “I saw it at exactly the wrong moment and it just hit me as unnecessarily mean spirited which was something I just didn't expect and am really not in a place to cope with at the moment.”

This is the danger of this medium. We log on hoping for relief or distraction, and instead we sometimes encounter something that offends, outrages, or wounds us. I feel for Alan—I know from previous conversations that this has not been a good year for him.

Let this be a reminder to all of us: Do not venture onto the internet when you’re in a state of emotional vulnerability. It rarely goes the way we hope. Pressure always seeks an escape valve, and online spaces are full of sharp edges. It is far better to talk with a real person—call someone and hear a human voice with all its nuance—than to stare at static words on a screen that you can reread over and over, each time deepening the wound.

Praying for Alan and so sorry he is at this chapter in his life. I am guessing he might be open to any of us reaching out. I don't really know.  I know he is still on telegram, but not sure how esle to contact him.

Rich, if you read this I hope you chalk it under unfortunate shit happens. On most other days that post would have generated the funny back and forth that we have seen many times in the past.  I am sure Alan would be open to any conversation with you, that is an invitation never an expectation. 

[email protected]  For anyone who might want to contact Alan.