Of John & Agnes
This has been circulating around for years. "Buzzy" Robert Towers gave it to me at my first assignment once he knew I had a since a humor and wasn't easily offended. For the record, the 12 Days come AFTER. not before Christmas leading up to the Feast of the Epiphany on January the 6th. I posted it last year and it will probably be a repost every year.
December 14, 1972
My Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "partridge in a pear tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more pleased.
With deepest love and devotion, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, "two turtle doves". I'm just delighted with your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you an extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, "three French hens". They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered "four calling birds". Now really, they are just beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dear John:
What a surprise, today the postman delivered "five golden rings", one for every finger. You're impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squeaking, it was beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually "six geese a laying" on my front porch. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
So what's with you and your fucking birds? "Seven swans a swimming", what kind of God damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over my house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds!!
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "eight maids a milking". It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own home. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are "nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
Fuck off, Agnes
December 23, 1972
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's "ten ladies dancing". I don't think I'll call them ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of building has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
You'll get yours, Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the "eleven Lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and ladies and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
Law Offices of Badger, Bender & Canola
303 Knore St.
Chicago, Ill.
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of "twelve fiddlers fiddling", which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolsten. The destruction of course, was unreal. All correspondence should be directed to our attention. If you should happen to try to reach Miss McHolsten at Maple Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Canola
Today marks the three hundred and thirtieth birthday of the Frenchman François-Marie Arouet, better known by his nom de plume, Voltaire (1694-1778).
Born into a bourgeois family during the reign of Louis XIV, the “Sun King” (r. 1643-1715), Voltaire suffered tragedy at a young age when his mother died. Never close with his father or brother, Voltaire exhibited a rebellious attitude toward authority from his youth. His brilliant mind was fostered in the care of the Society of Jesus, who introduced him to the joys of literature and theater. Despite his later criticisms against the Church, Voltaire, throughout his life, fondly recalled his dedicated Jesuit teachers.
Although he spent time as a civil servant in the French embassy to the Hague, Voltaire’s main love was writing—an endeavor where he excelled in various genres, including poetry, which led to his appointment as the royal court poet for King Louis XV. Widely recognized as one of the greatest French writers, and even hyperbolically referred to by ...
Happy National Best Friends Day Y'all!
I strongly suggest combining celebrations for this with National Name Your Poison Day and National Jelly-Filled Doughnut Day. Think I'll have to wash a custard doughnut down with a cold beer later.
Padre - Tom Miller invites you to a Coffee Talk, Speakeasies, Schmoozes, Tea Times, Afterhours and other gatherings.
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