Now, I’m not saying we should judge people by their vehicles. But some drivers deserve a little extra room on the road. Others deserve a psychological evaluation and possibly their own documentary series. So I’ve put together a completely unscientific list for your education.
Starting with good ol’ Ford.
1994 Ford Explorer: This person has absolutely nothing left to lose. The check engine light has been on since the Clinton administration. The driver’s side window is held up with a screwdriver, and the transmission only shifts into third if you ask it nicely. You think threatening to sue this person is going to accomplish something? They have been ignoring certified letters from Ford for 28 years.
Nissan Altima with a missing bumper: Maintain a safe distance. That vehicle has survived six accidents, three repossession attempts, and at least one police pursuit that nobody in the family discusses. The driver considers turn signals an invasion of privacy. Their insurance company has a restraining order.
Lifted Dodge Ram: This man spent $14,000 modifying a truck to look like it can climb Mount Everest. It has never been farther off-road than the gravel parking lot at Buffalo Wild Wings. He will tailgate you for driving 78 in a 75, then spend eleven minutes trying to back into a parking space at Costco. His truck payment is higher than his mortgage, and he’s willing to discuss both at a volume normally reserved for aircraft emergencies.
Subaru Outback: Don’t underestimate these people. They appear peaceful, but they have extremely strong opinions about reusable grocery bags, hiking trail etiquette, and whether your dog should be allowed off-leash. They have a first-aid kit, emergency blankets, three kinds of granola, and enough documentation to successfully prosecute you in small claims court. They won’t fight you physically. They’ll destroy just totally you at a public hearing.
Harley-Davidson: This man has spent $32,000 on a motorcycle and another $18,000 making it sound like it’s having mechanical difficulties. He has a leather vest covered in patches commemorating places he’s eaten breakfast. He calls his friends brothers, his motorcycle his baby, and his actual wife from a gas station somewhere outside Sturgis. Don’t argue with him. He can’t hear you anyway.
Sport bike: This person has the survival instincts of a moth trapped inside a porch light. They own a helmet worth more than their refrigerator and consider 120 mph a reasonable speed for testing whether their new gloves fit. Their mother has been worried since 2009. She is correct.
Jeep Wrangler: These people have formed an entire religious organization around removing perfectly functional doors. They wave at strangers, collect rubber ducks, and willingly pay $60,000 for a vehicle that sounds like a commercial dishwasher on the freeway. They will drive through a flooded creek for entertainment, then complain when the dealership refuses to honor the warranty.
Twenty-five-year-old Toyota Corolla: Do not bother threatening this person financially. They haven’t made a car payment since 2007. Their vehicle has 380,000 miles, one surviving hubcap, and a cassette tape permanently stuck in the stereo. They have achieved a level of financial independence the rest of us can only dream about. They will outlive us all.
Mazda: This crazy-ass person believes they’re driving a BMW that simply hasn’t reached its full potential. They bought the car because it was practical, reliable, and affordable, then immediately started taking freeway on-ramps like they’re qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix. They will explain, completely unprompted, that Mazdas have excellent handling and that the engineers designed the car around the driver. Nobody asked. Their Mazda3 has 186 horsepower, but they’re using every single one of them to pass a minivan on a residential street. They don’t have road rage. They have a deeply personal disagreement with the speed limit and an unreasonable amount of confidence in Japanese suspension engineering.
Ford F-150 with mismatched body panels: This man knows seventeen ways to repair a vehicle using baling wire, electrical tape, and profanity. He has a socket wrench in his cupholder and an unidentified engine component rolling around under the passenger seat. The truck has failed emissions testing in three states, but somehow starts every morning. He doesn’t have roadside assistance. He IS roadside assistance.
Honda Civic with an exhaust pipe the size of a coffee can: The driver is 19, the car is 27, and both believe they’re professional race car drivers. The vehicle produces 94 horsepower and 140 decibels. It takes eleven seconds to reach 60 mph, but the entire neighborhood gets to participate in the experience.
And finally, the farmer driving a 1973 tractor down a two-lane highway.
Leave that person the hell alone.
They are traveling at 14 mph, have 600 acres of unfinished work, and haven’t experienced a peaceful moment since the Nixon administration. The tractor has no suspension, the brakes are more of a suggestion, and the farmer is sitting on a metal seat specifically designed to aggravate every spinal injury they’ve accumulated since childhood.
They know you’re behind them.
They saw you seventeen minutes ago.🖕
They will pull over when they get to a suitable place, which may or may not exist before the county line.
And if you honk, they’re going to slow down to nine miles an hour just to give you a few extra minutes to reconsider your behavior.
This is not road rage. This is agricultural conflict resolution.🇺🇸
Anyway, learning that driving isn’t just about knowing the rules of the road. It’s also about recognizing when the person in the next lane has absolutely no intention of following them.
Today marks the three hundred and thirtieth birthday of the Frenchman François-Marie Arouet, better known by his nom de plume, Voltaire (1694-1778).
Born into a bourgeois family during the reign of Louis XIV, the “Sun King” (r. 1643-1715), Voltaire suffered tragedy at a young age when his mother died. Never close with his father or brother, Voltaire exhibited a rebellious attitude toward authority from his youth. His brilliant mind was fostered in the care of the Society of Jesus, who introduced him to the joys of literature and theater. Despite his later criticisms against the Church, Voltaire, throughout his life, fondly recalled his dedicated Jesuit teachers.
Although he spent time as a civil servant in the French embassy to the Hague, Voltaire’s main love was writing—an endeavor where he excelled in various genres, including poetry, which led to his appointment as the royal court poet for King Louis XV. Widely recognized as one of the greatest French writers, and even hyperbolically referred to by ...
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XIII
The Proud Minister
One day there came into the Garden a man in torn clothes badly bruised and cut, who said to the Lover, “In the name of the Beloved I demand your help.”
So the Lover and the Disciple let him in and dressed his wounds and prepared the best of the vegetables from the Garden for him to eat. When his wounds had been dressed and he had eaten and rested the Lover asked him how he had fallen into this plight, to which the man replied, “I was Minister of the Beloved in a city near this place, where I preached His gospel and expounded His doctrine to the people. I pointed out to them how their sins had made them wholly hateful to the Beloved and how therefore they were utterly beyond the range of His love and He would condemn them to eternal torments, whereon some fell into despair and wept bitterly but many were angry. One day the magistrates called me before them and begged me to leave the city and preach elsewhere for they said I had made many people so angry and desperate that they feared there might be a riot and they might not be able to protect me but that I might suffer some injury. I, however, very zealous for the Beloved and believing that the magistrates only feared that their own sins might be proclaimed, preached the more vehemently, denounced the magistrates and made it abundantly clear that the whole wicked city was foredoomed to eternal punishment by the just provision of the Beloved. Whereon a mob, stirred up no doubt by the corrupt and venal magistrates, fell upon me with sticks and stones, nearly killing me and driving me out of the city in the state in which I came to you.”
“My friend,” said the Lover, “this was not a good deed of yours, for besides denying the unfathomable compassion of the Beloved, you have by your obstinacy caused these people to commit a grievous sin, and this cannot be pleasing to the Beloved, that through you who profess to be His minister the people should become worse. Surely you remember that He Himself said, ‘If they persecute you in one city flee to another.’”
Therefore the man was very angry, and cursing the Lover, said, “I see that I have had a very false report of you and I do not believe that you are a servant of the Beloved at all. When I came to you so injured for the Beloved’s sake you set before me only herbs and fruits although the garden is full of birds which you could have killed to make me a worthy meal. I shall proclaim everywhere that you are no true servant of the Beloved but a mere falterer who dares not suffer in the cause of the Beloved. Be sure that you are foreordained to eternal torments who suffer nothing here.”
For the man was so blinded by his own pride that he could not perceive the scars on the hands and feet and the brows of the Lover nor how the cloth beneath the armpits of his tunic was dyed with a red dye. So he went out of the Garden cursing and shouting.
But the Lover looked sad and said, “A man like this does much harm to the cause of the Beloved, for by thus speaking falsely about the Beloved he may bring men to fear Him but none to love Him, and by love alone can any man approach the Beloved.”
